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A White Guy Guide: How to Not Masturbate In Front of People

I spend, not just most of my day, but the vast majority of it NOT masturbating in front of people. It was a long and grinding journey to get to this place, but I'm here to help guide each and every one of you struggling to avoid news headlines. You too can avoid common pitfalls related to public dolphin slapping.

This is what we're talking about

For celebrities like Louis C.K., Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose, and Steven Segal, the urge to whip out meat and beat it like it owes you money while onlookers gasp in horror is a siren song that cannot be ignored. But there is a way. With these helpful tips, hints, and cheats, you too can make headway into the forgotten realm of self-paraphilia prevention.

1) Hands Off The Merchandise

Considering masturbating? Cool! That's fine. It's a perfectly normal, regular thing that people do, all over the world, every single day. At this moment, right now, while you're reading this, someone somewhere is yanking dong.

Pictured: Product that doesn't work

FOLLOW UP QUESTION: Is someone in visual range of you while you pull your pud? Then, and this is a vitally important key to success...don't. You know how when you masturbate in front of someone, be they stranger, friend, family member, neighbor, innocent open mic comedian asking for your assistance, car dealer, child's teacher, world famous and accomplished actress, or even your significant other, you make contact with your junk? This time, don't do that. 2) "But I Asked First, and They Didn't Say NO"

"But Mark," you may already be yelling at your screen; "I asked if it was ok, and they gave me a yes/no that I ignored/silence followed by a look of terror. That means that I can do it, right?"

No. No it doesn't. It really, really doesn't. Stop looking at me like that.

You may think that, but you'd be wrong. When someone says "no" to the question "can I masturbate in front of you?", or simply doesn't reply due to their state of shock at being asked the question, that means they would prefer if you didn't churn your own butter before their eyes. As hard as this is to believe, there are those who aren't interested in seeing you batter your bishop while making sad eye contact.

Perhaps they replied "yes." This certainly changes the game, doesn't it? Truthfully, not really. It could be a "False Yes," known in the white male community as "Bitch Said Ok, What's The Problem?". The problem is that, well, some people, due to concerns for their jobs, livelihoods, safety, and preventing future retribution, will feel compelled to agree against their will. Are you putting them in that situation? If you are, then it's one of those mythical examples you've heard of where "yes" actually means "no." Even if the yes is truly a yes, it's really never a "YES" because...

No one, even the kinkiest of kink lovers, wants to be awkwardly masturbated at by a narcissistic, broken malcontent. So, put your phallus back in it's zipper palace, and don't jerk it in front of others. 3) Debunking the Cold Shower Myth Oh boy, has this one been around for quite a long time. Let's bust this myth! No matter how cold or long that shower is, or how much scrubbing is going on, if you pull out your penis and masturbate in front of the person showering, it's still jerking off in front of someone, you silly! Disregard that old wives' tale!

"This is 2-way glass. I can see you. I...I just wish you couldn't see me."

4) Pocket Pool

Shellacking your schlong through your pocket? Perfectly fine! Wait, you're standing in front of someone while you do it? Red Flag! You should know better.

"They don't know...they'll NEVER KNOW!!!!" "Jeez, Bob, we know. Please stop."

5) The "Subtly Chaffing Shorts" Method

"Hey, I know a work around! What about shorts that chafe just enough that I can generate friction without actually touching myself? I've done it, EUREKA!!" Not so fast there, Tex. Are you still rubbing those shorts on your happy button while someone else is there? Still counts. Don't think that's fair? I feel like you haven't been listening to rest of this list. Just knock it off, ya goober.

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